If the chat between a man and a woman is pleasant, no matter how long it lasts, the brain will secrete a large amount of dopamine at this time, so both parties in the chat are easily immersed in the emotions produced by dopamine, and then become addicted, commonly known as "addiction" .
But everyone secretes dopamine differently, or has different abilities to control emotions. Stay away from this emotion.
But some people who are still immersed in it find that the other person "below" seems to be less active, thinking that the other person "has lost interest in me" and "changed". In fact, this is dopamine gradually disappearing and just returning to normal.
So, how can we chat to keep the frequency of "dopamine" secretion in the brain as consistent as possible? Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. When our needs are met in large amounts, the brain produces dopamine, which creates a brief feeling of euphoria.
Low-frequency, high-quality chat may be the best answer. Control the number of chats, ensure and improve the quality of chats, so that both parties are interested in the chat topics and maintain a high degree of enthusiasm. You might as well try to talk about these 5 topics and make headlines as soon as you talk about them.
1. The core of chat ~ low frequency and high quality
The so-called low frequency: we don’t need to keep in touch all the time, we don’t need to chat every minute, we don’t need to respond and reply, but As long as the two of us chat, we can take it seriously and respond with heart, instead of dealing with each other in a perfunctory manner.
The so-called high quality: When chatting, we can say something that is really related to our relationship and our common development. No matter what we are talking about, it can be sincere, warm, and deep. Just talk thoroughly and tell each other what they really think.
For example, talk about each other’s thoughts and understanding of conflicts:
①If we have a conflict, how do you think it should be resolved? Will you choose to actively resolve it? Or do you want the other person to calm down first? What attitude would you prefer for me to face the conflicts between us? If I admit my mistake and bow my head first, can you give me a step and follow the trend.
②If I get angry, will you notice? what will you do? A person who truly loves you will care about your emotions and your emotional needs. Once you find out that you are unhappy, if he is still indifferent, can you accept it?
④What do you think of the Cold War? What can we do to avoid a cold war? The Cold War hurt each other's feelings very much. Even more extreme, the two sides fell into a Cold War situation. How can we solve it better? And what should we do to effectively avoid the cold war and avoid affecting our feelings.
2. Talking about the sense of boundaries of the opposite sex
There is a saying: "Men have no sense of boundaries, and the awareness of protecting the relationship is the biggest hidden danger in intimate relationships." The sense of boundaries is important to men and women. It is very important to say that not only men need to have a sense of boundaries, but women also need toSample.
Two people can talk about each other’s understanding and attitude towards boundaries, such as the following questions~
① Do you think there is pure friendship between men and women?
Both men and women have friends of the opposite sex. Girls have best friends, and boys have best friends. Understand each other’s thoughts, and then decide the standards for getting along with friends of the opposite sex. Therefore, you will neither hurt your lover nor your friends of the opposite sex, killing two birds with one stone. . ②If someone of the opposite sex wanted to sit in your passenger seat, would you agree?
Everyone has a different understanding of the co-pilot. Talk about this inevitable problem in life to avoid unnecessary trouble. Many people say they cannot love. In fact, many times it may be that we haven’t figured out what kind of love we want? So when the love the other person gives us does not meet our expectations, we will be disappointed or even feel that he does not understand you and wants to separate.
3. Talk about what kind of love you want
The famous marriage counseling expert Gary Chapman divides people into 5 ways of expressing love: A. Language of affirmation B. Quality moments C. Exchange of gifts D. Acts of service E. Physical contact.
The love we all want is different, and the acceptable expressions of love are also different, so this issue is really worth talking about. When we show love in a way that the other person likes, we both feel happy and our relationship improves.
For example, you can discuss the following questions:
① Which way do you prefer that I express my love for you? Sincerely share each other's preferences, reduce conflicts, and nourish feelings.
② Would you rather me give you a gift, or do something practical for you, such as blow-drying your hair? Some people are realistic and like practical things, while some people are romantic and pay more attention to ritual. Okay, love each other.
③Would you rather hear me praise you, or would you rather hear me listen to you talk? Compliments are important in every relationship, but some people think listening is even more important. By talking about this topic, you can understand the idea of ????loving each other in the way you like each other, making love more valuable.
4. Talk about what kind of comfort you want when you are in a bad mood
Li Songwei once said: "There are no emotions that we shouldn't have. We need emotional labor, just like we need Like labor, we need to rely on this thing to provide us with the basic sense of security and stability for our survival. When both of us are expressing our emotions, it will make us feel better."
Then when we both express our emotions. When facing each other's bad mood, how should we comfort each other so that the other person can feel truly comforted, warm and loved?
You can talk about these issues and more. Be good at understanding each other's emotional needs, giving them acceptance, and loving each other's affection.
①When you are stressed or unhappy, will you tell me to share it with you? We usually like to announce good news or not, but this is not conducive to deepening the understanding between husband and wife.Feelings cannot withstand the test of wind and rain.
②What do you want me to do when you are in a bad mood? , what the other party can do at this time can effectively help you enlighten you, tell him directly, share the burden, and understand the other party better, why not do it?
③When you are in a bad mood, what don’t you want me to do? When you're in a bad mood, it's good to have someone around to comfort and encourage you, but when you're in a bad mood, the other person doesn't know where your bottom line is, and they think about what they can say and do to comfort you. It will make you feel worse and not help deepen your relationship at all.
5. Talk about the vision of the family
If you know enough and have the idea of ????living together or even getting married, talk about each other's future and your future in advance of the vision of the family, which can be avoided as early as possible. Lots of trouble.
①What kind of home do you want? What does your dream home look like? Do you want to raise a small animal, a kitten or a puppy? What kind of home decoration style do you like?
②What do you want to accomplish together in the future? I want to travel to my favorite places together; I want to eat more delicious food together; I want to experience more unknowns together; I want to share a house with two people and eat three meals in four seasons.
③What kind of parenting concepts and attitudes do you have? Do you have a relaxed and indulgent parenting concept, or a serious and methodical fish farming concept? Do you value your child's physical and mental well-being more, or do you value your child's academic performance and skill improvement more?
The above five directions can effectively improve the quality of your chat, and at the same time extend more other high-quality chat topics, deepen mutual understanding, and steadily heat up the relationship.
Someone asked on Zhihu: "How can women reduce harm to themselves in intimate relationships?"
Gao Zan replied: "If you want to be less harmed, at least understand that you cannot Accept things and understand where your own bottom line is. ”
If any relationship wants to be smooth and happy, you should know the other person’s bottom line in advance and try not to touch the other person’s pain points, so that each other can be more accepting. , love each other in the way you prefer, the relationship will become smoother and smoother, and the two people will be less hurt.
